well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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