apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
