Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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