jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
