Apparently you make a good broom.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
