the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
