Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The ass gains better be worth it
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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