Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
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