There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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