my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
