Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
