final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
