The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
