if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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