my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
