Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
