I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
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