Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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