I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Randomize
