She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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