so explain again why im purple
no
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
