did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
