One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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