Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
