does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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