Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
