My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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