Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
