I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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