My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
