I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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