I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
