Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
