I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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