your parents love me but you hate me
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
