life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize