New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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