Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize