Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
