I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
