I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
