You can't motorboat a personality
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
