i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
