someone get that fucking seahorse.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Let's get the cat blown out
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
