we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
