you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
