What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
