I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
