I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
This is the high leading the old right now
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
