omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
