The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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