After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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