I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
