You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
