I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Randomize
