I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
