She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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