There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize